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Most Funny Jokes Ever

Posted by dasfseegdse Jumat, 13 September 2013 0 komentar

A husband came home and found his wife in bed with a stranger. He was furious and wanted to leave at once. The wife pleaded, give me a moment to explain.

This man came to my door an hour ago and asked for something to eat. I gave him a sandwich. I noticed that his shoes were worn out, so I looked in your closet and found a pair that you haven't had on your feet for three years, and I gave him the shoes to put on.

Then I saw that his jacket was very torn, so I went back to your closet and found a jacket that you haven't worn for six years.
When he took his old jacket off to put on, I saw that his shirt was falling to pieces, so I opened your bureau drawer and gave him a shirt that you haven't worn for the past ten years.

Then as this man was going out of the door he turned and asked..."

The man asked the lady.. "Is there anything else around here that your husband doesn't use?"
"Mama," asked a 7-year-old boy, "what does transatlantic mean?"

"Across the Atlantic, of course," replied his mother, "Trans always means 'across'."

Then the boy continued..."Then I suppose," continued the boy, "transparent means a cross parent."
Afraid of their parents' disapproval, the boy and girl in love decided to elope. The date and time were fixed for the elopement. At the appointment time the boy climbed the ladder and tapped on her window. She opened the window softly.

"Are you ready?" He asked rather loudly.
"Sssssh! Not so loud!" she whispered. "I'm so afraid father will catch us."

"That's alright," said the boy. "He's down below holding the ladder."
In a crowded bus, a shabbily dressed little boy had taken a seat by the side of the lady who had an ugly look and haughty temperament but was very well dressed. They boy had severe cold and was sniffing all the way, which was very annoying to the lady. Finally, she could not tolerate any more and turned to the boy and asked.. "Have you got a handkerchief?"

The boy answered.. "Yes, but I don't lend it to strangers."
The great Canadian Sir William Osler was lecturing on alcohol one day.

"Is it true," asked the student, "that alcohol makes people do things better?"

"No," replied Sir William. "It just makes them less ashamed of doing them badly."
A surgeon was taking a walk with his wife when a young and lively woman greeted him gaily. The doctor's wife eyed him narrowly.

"Where," she asked, "did you meet that person, my dear?"
"Just a young woman," said the doctor, "I met her professionally."

"I see," murmured his wife and then asked him politely..
"Yours or hers?"
A woman and her baby were trapped in a fire. A fireman saw them standing at the window and cried.. "Throw your baby down I'll catch him. I'm the firemen's football team goalkeeper and I haven't let a ball past me in ten years."

The woman threw her baby down and sure enough the fireman caught him.

He caught the baby, bounced him on the ground and kicked him over the street.
Salesman to proprietor.. "A man is demanding poison for $5 to terminate his life. What should I do?"

The proprietor advised him.. "Tell him that it would cost $500 and that fellow will go away."
A middle-aged woman was bitten by a mad dog. She was hospitalised. The doctors lost hope for her and they were quite sure she would succumb to hydrophobia. One of the doctors informed her.

"You can write your last wish and will," the doctor said.

"Well, I want to write the names of those whom I am going to bite," she replied.
A young woman in a tight-fitting skirt attempted to board the bus. Conscious that the tightness of the skirt made it impossible for her to life her leg to the level of the first step of the bus, she reached behind hurriedly and adjusted the zip to loosen it, but it remained too tight. She reached back and adjusted the zip again, but to no avail. The queue of commuters behind her became restless as she tried to adjust her zip again without success.

Suddenly a man standing behind her took her by the hips and lifted her bodily into the bus. She turned on him and screamed.. "How dare you be so familiar with me!"

"That's strange coming from you," he replied. "You've just unzipped my fly three times!"

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The Best Cool Jokes Ever

Posted by dasfseegdse Sabtu, 07 September 2013 0 komentar

There was this little girl who said to her teacher, "Miss, I wish I'd been alive 2,000 years ago."

Her teacher asked, "Really Rosy? Why's that?"
The girl replied, "There would have been so much less history to learn."
A college boy said to his mother, "I have decided to take to politics after my studies and to clean up the mess in the world."

His mother reacted to his proposition and said, "That's very nice. You can go upstairs and start with your room."
Husband: "That damned wife of mine is a liar!"
Friend: "How do you know?"
Husband: "Because she said she spent the night with Leena."
Friend: "So?"
Husband: "But I spent the night with Leena!"
John got a call at the office from his wife. "Tell me my dear," she asked, "Wednesday is our fifteenth wedding anniversary..

"What special present do you want from your loving wife?"
John replied, "You mean I can ask for anything?"
"You can ask for anything."

John asked, "How about 5 minutes of silence."
"There's mutual feeling between my wife and me."

"That's nice."
"No, it's not."
He replied, "We hate each other."
Father: "I see you got a 'D' for conduct but an 'A' for courtesy. How is that possible?"

Son: "Whenever I kick someone, I apologise."
A small girl was told she needed an X-ray. When she came out of the X-ray room, she told her mother, "They took a picture of my bones."

"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go alright?"

The small replied, "Sure." "It was amazing. I didn't even have to take my skin off."
In a party a woman was requested by the organisers to sing. After she sang, she proudly announced that she had spent $25,000 to learn music.

"I want you to meet my brother," interjected a guest.
"Is he a critic or an agent?" asked the singer.

The man replied "Neither," "He is a lawyer. He'll get your money back."
A woman was noted for her bargaining skills particularly with vegetable vendors. She would never buy anything without reducing the quoted price.

One day she asked her son studying in the second standard, "How much is 2 x 2=?"

The boy replied, "Six."
"Son, you ought to learn your tables better. The answer is four."

The boy said triumphantly, "I know it is 4. But if I say six you will bring it down to four."
Mom: "You have been fighting again and lost two of your front teeth."
Son: "No, I have not lost them."

"What do you mean? Two of your front teeth are missing."

The boy unhesitatingly proved his point that he had not lost his teeth.

The boy replied, "The teeth are not missing. I have got them in my pocket."
A famous boxer had to use the washroom attached to the waiting room at the railway station and fearing his overcoat might be stolen, he attached a ticket to it before hanging it on a peg in the waiting room.

The ticket read: "Owned by a famous Boxer who will be back in 5 minutes."

When he returned for his overcoat a little later, all he found was a ticket which read...
"Taken by a Champion Sprinter, who won't return."
The salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "The customer is going to return here pretty mad," he predicted to his boss.

"Shall I give him his money back?"
The boss shouted at him and said "Money back?" roared the boss.

"What kind of salesman are you? Go out there and sell him a motor boat."
In a co-education college a boy and a girl fell in love and decided to marry. The boy was doing his doctoral research and the girl her masters degree.

One day the boy spiritedly told his girl..."Darling when I complete my degree, will you call me Doctor?"

The replied promptly "Of course. But when I finish my degree, you must call me 'Master'."

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The World's Funniest Jokes

Posted by dasfseegdse Minggu, 16 September 2012 0 komentar

1. A doctor says to his patient, " I have bad news and worse news."

Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

2. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

3. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guy's is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind ma."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

4. This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...?

5. Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

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Funny Lengthy Jokes

Posted by dasfseegdse Rabu, 15 Agustus 2012 0 komentar

"I guess I just woke up this morning and decided..
I didn't want to be chicken anymore"

1. A bulky boy went to a mango grove with his friends to steal mangoes, because they were convinced that stolen mangoes taste better. All of a sudden, the watchman came out of blue chasing the boys with a rod. Everybody ran helter skelter except our hero as he could not run carrying his own weight. Result: He was caught.

The watchman asked the boy to take him to his father. The boy was trembling and said "No". The watchman asked him to take him to his house but the boy again refused. Then finally, the watchman asked him to show his father atleast from a distance. The boy agreed and showed his father who was plucking mangoes on the next tree.

2. I joined a new office. The Branch Manager told a few boring jokes but to my surprise, all my colleagues laughed.

After coming out of the cabin, I pulled out my colleague and asked him as to why they were laughing for useless jokes. He replied, "if you don't laugh, he will think that we have not understood the joke and repeat the same joke again and again!"

3. A fat Officer went to a consultancy for reducing his weight. He was asked to go to a room with an advice that if he could chase a young beautiful girl and touch her, he could marry her.

Everyday, he tried to chase and touch her. After 30 days, he reduced his weight considerably. On 31st day, he came with a determination to catch hold of her.

But to his surprise, he was asked to go to another room. This time,

they said that another fat lady would chase him and if she touches

him, she will marry him. This time, he had to run all the more...

4. My uncle was celebrating his 60th day celebration. Due to emotional prayers of the gathering, an angel appeared and granted a wish each to my uncle and aunt.

First, my aunt said that she had not visited any foreign country and hence, she wanted tickets to tour through out the world. The angel waved her kerchief and immediately my aunt's hands were filled with airline tickets.

Then my uncle said "My wife should become 30 years younger to me..."

The angel waved her kerchief on my uncle and immediately, he became 90 years old.

5. A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball

from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

6. A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter Unclad on the bed with a Romance-Machine. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter Unclad on a sofa with her Romance-Machine. "What are doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room she found her husband watching television with the Romance-Machine buzzing away beside him. "What are doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

7. A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her Husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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